In the November issue of Scholastic Parent & Child Magazine, the editors asked psychologist Sally Y. Walker, Ph.D. how parents can tell if their child is gifted. Walker said the answer is complicated, but one thing is clear: all children have gifts, although they tend to emerge at different times and in different ways. With that in mind, I'd like to know what makes your child gifted.
I love lazy Sundays. There is no reason to bolt out of bed at the unwelcome sound of my alarm. I love them especially because they are rare. There are far fewer than 52 of them in a year. On those precious lazy Sundays, the phone rarely rings; the email is sparse, largely ads; and I have time to read. I read every day, of course, but on lazy Sundays, I read primarily for pleasure, rarely novels any more, since that is pure self indulgence stretching over into weekday hours if the book is any good. When I read my favorite sections of the Sunday New York Times and a few choice articles from New Yorker Magazine, I view it as part of being an informed citizen. It’s an election year, after all; and it doesn’t matter that I long ago made my choice. Reading the Op-Ed page and feature stories or cultural commentary about the presidential race is reaffirming, no matter which side one is on.
Lazy Sundays are special too because I can allow my mind to wander, to connect disparate things. This Sunday, I wandered into the Arts section of the paper and chose to read an article about Angelina Jolie, of all people. Maybe the title was what drew me to it: “Master of Her Mommy Track”; comfortably familiar territory—for all the dimensions of my own life. Jolie, at least according to this feature story, has it all calmly figured out. She has 6 young children and fully intends not to stop there. Most impressive is her putative acceptance of her children’s view of her as “uncool”. The children like to challenge her with comments like, “’Mom, you can’t play this (video game). You won’t know how”. She is quietly certain that some day those children will see how capable she is. Not likely, Angelina, if my experience is close to typical. Do my adult children view me as “capable”? What a silly idea: I am still “Mom”. But, be of good cheer, Angelina. One day, your grandchildren will discover your precious gifts, both the ones you bring along on visits and the ones you have personally possessed all along.
It’s been a startling 10 days since I was first asked to advise parents and teachers about how to talk to children about the tanking economy. Reassurance has grown more illusive. When first asked, I was not in favor of broaching the subject to children; although, of course, I recommended responding honestly to any question any child might ask. Now that worry is spreading among adults and the bad news just won’t seem to go away, I wonder whether parents who are visibly under stress should provide some very simple explanation such as, “We didn’t make as much money this year as last, so we won’t be going away for the holidays”. Add something reassuring such as “We can have a lot of fun at home, though.” What children this young care about most is the mood in the family. If they sense unusual anxiety, they may get upset. So parents can help everyone by doing their best not to let the bad economic news get them down.
It is very difficult, really impossible, to give universal advice about what to tell children about tough times. Every family’s situation is unique; different children’s level of concern or even curiosity varies by age, personality, and so much more. So, of course, there isn’t one right answer to the question about what to tell the children at a time like this. I do feel that for young children whose parents are not consumed with worry, in families that have not had to make radical changes, such as giving up their homes, there is little reason to broach the subject. Answer any questions that the children ask in as simple terms as possible. Especially for children age 8 or younger, make your answers very concrete and specific. If you go on and on about the subtleties, you’ll lose them. All they really want to know is “Will our family be o.k.?” and “What will I have to give up?”
When describing what may have to be given up, point out that most of their friends are in the same situation. There is not enough money for such luxuries in most families right now. Things will get better, but it may take awhile. The good news is “we are all fine and together; and we will stay fine”. (Needless to say, when the facts about health and/or separations are different, this form of reassurance will need to be modified.)
If, on the other hand, a parent has lost her job or her home and is very anxious or irritable, young children, in particular, are inclined to personalize that mood change—blame themselves; so explaining that you have this specific worry on your mind can even be a relief. If you’ve lost your job, assure your child that you will get another one and be o.k., even if you are not convinced about that yourself.
In sum, I don’t think that news stories are likely to alarm most children, unless their parents are palpably troubled by the economy. Older children are going to be focused on what they have to give up and some may show some purely intellectual interest in the issues once they feel they themselves are safe. History can help to show them that ups and downs are a fact of economic reality. Personalize your discussion by mentioning any important family safe guards, such as savings, insurance, rainy day funds or extended family’s readiness to assist.
It’s hard to believe that for more than 20 years, I have been serving as Scholastic’s Senior Child Development Consultant. It’s a many faceted role; and I love it. Sometimes, though, I have to pinch myself and assuage doubts about whether I have the requisite wisdom to meet the role’s expectations. For example, teachers write in and ask poignant questions about the difficulties of certain children. The teachers want so much to help. I do my best to answer them on line (currently at e-ECT) and in print (currently in “Ask a Psychologist”, Instructor Magazine). Parents have sought my advice on e-Scholastic’s parent advising offerings. Many of their questions and my attempts at answering them were packaged into a small Scholastic book, “Raising Happy & Successful Kids”.
Occasionally, I am surprised at my responses to questions from teachers, parents, editors, publishers. In fact, I am surprised that I came up with any answer. The questions are challenging. I think to myself, “Huh, I didn’t know I knew that” or “Where did that response come from?” I guess there is something to be said for a Grandmother/psychologist’s lifetime of experience. At least it provides a mysteriously sustained mental reservoir of learning through living and working, or something like that…
The answers to questions amble into my consciousness when needed, and I, truly humbly, deign to share them. I am always amazed when they seem to make sense and work, at least according to my encouraging editors. Perhaps the most daunting questions are those that come from members of the media who turn to Scholastic at times of national crises or untoward tragedy. “What should teachers or parents say to kids about… “the Oklahoma bombing”, about “Katrina”, or a school shooting, the start of the (first) Iraq war, about the tragedy of “9-11”; about a massacre in a peaceful kindergarten in Pennsylvania; about a slaughter of innocents in our country or abroad; about “Ethnic Cleansing”, about the start of the (current) Iraq war, about ever more man made or man-handled crises,?
I struggle with the assignment to reassure children and their families, as well as teachers, during events that shatter all our taken for granted certainties. Whether I am calm or not, I must become calm and rational and reassuring, drawing on whatever I seem to know about being a child in a trying time, although I didn’t know I knew it until asked.
There have been some periods when we seemed to be burdened by one awful event after another. Thankfully, there hadn’t been any shared tragedies for awhile, until right now when none of us can escape the implications of a different, but all consuming crisis. So here I am face to face with the assignment to guide parents and teachers about a battered economy. The question is the same as it has been each time: “What to say to children?”
You’re asking me about an economic melt down? My education in economics began and essentially ended with the Samuelson text in college and maybe a few vague memories of lectures about Adam Smith and the “Invisible Hand”, a metaphor that easily sticks in the mind.
Next week, I will share my responses to this current group of questions. They too are responses that came out of I don’t know what corner of my mind. I am hoping you will ever so gently let me know if they make sense and improve them, if you will.
