Untouched by Time

Untouched by Time

It was a magnificent Memorial Day weekend in our neck of the woods. No special fanfare or entertainment was needed — just the joy of sweet clear air, the sight and smell of flowering trees and newly planted annuals. It felt great to be alive, blessed by nature’s gifts and the joy of seeing 3 out of 5 of our grandchildren, and oh yeah, their parents. Even the loud yapping of their adorable Westie couldn’t mar the moment. Sophie (the noisy white fluff-ball) frolicked with our Norwich a little too rambunctiously, but they worked it out.

We sat by a pool, the water still too cold to take the plunge, so the kids played with each other and the available pool equipment. I was heartened to hear a familiar flow of fantasy from the 13 year old. He was a javelin thrower — Olympic competitor — wielding a pool cleaning tool and announcing the play-by-play of his gold medal shot; he was a tennis champion with a phenomenal overhead smash; he was going out for the long pass, and all with a teenaged vocabulary accompanying the same rich pretend play resources that he exhibited at three and four, when “we were plumbers” or he was a landscaper, a pirate, a carpenter, a lover of tools and the work they each do. The ease with adults that had been there since birth was unchanged, a lifelong gift that I know will stand him in good stead. He can navigate easily between an obviously rich inner life and the real world of social challenges.

Grandparenthood is a different vantage point. Unlike his parents, I don’t focus on whether he did his homework, whether he studied for a final exam, made his bed, hung up his clothes. That splendid way he has of relating to himself and others is enough for me. He’ll do fine.

May 28, 2008

Solid Advice for Grandparents

Solid Advice for Grandparents

Serendipitous discoveries are often the most rewarding. I enjoyed one of those the other day. While standing in a checkout line at Borders, I faced a rack of pamphlets from AARP (free pamphlets, I might add). The one that caught my eye, not surprisingly, is called "Grandparenting: The Joys and Challenges." And now having read it, I enthusiastically recommend it to parents and grandparents. If you don't find it in your local chain bookstore, go to www.aarp.org or phone 1-888-687-2277 to request a copy.

In my experience, many such pamphlets are thin in substance, no matter how physically thick they may be. Not so this one. It is full of meaningful information to guide and encourage grandparents and to help parents understand the important role of their parents and in-laws. As implied in the script, most of us are not frumpy old creatures from another era. And grandparents have some very important functions in the youngest generation’s life. The pamphlet clarifies real distinctions between parenting and grandparenting roles; but it also acknowledges the significant percentage of grandparents who, out of necessity, are their grandchildren’s primary caregivers -- parental as well as grandparental.

I like the flexible, respectful tone, acknowledging that there are many ways to be a grandparent. "Many grandparents work hard to pass on their family’s history and traditions. These grandparents often are the 'glue' that holds their families together. They help grandchildren understand that they’re part of something greater than themselves." One way they may do that is by "telling stories about their (own) childhood and their grandchildren's parents' early years."

My grandchildren are enormously curious about how their parents behaved, how they got along with siblings, how they did in school, the funny things they said and did when they were little. I drove my oldest grandson to baseball once a week when he was in the early elementary grades. He used much of that time to ask me to tell him stories about his mom and uncle as children, and often the same stories over and over again. It took him awhile to understand that I was no longer in a position to discipline his mother or tell her what she "ought" to allow him to have or do. As the pamphlet says quite explicitly the best thing about being a grandparent is not having to act like a parent.

I applaud the respectful and informative tone of the AARP pamphlet, for example in addressing the question, "What's so great about grandparenting?" Among other things, it is true that "Grandparents enjoy seeing the cycle of life continue. They are thrilled to see physical and personality traits in their grandchildren that they've seen in themselves, their children, and their own parents or siblings."

Get the pamphlet … see for yourself … you’ll be glad you did.

May 20, 2008

From Princesses to Jocks

From Princesses to Jocks

This is a response to unsolicited e-messages I have been receiving lately from spokespersons for the "Anti-Princess Movement." Mature women, many of them mothers of girls, are uneasy about the "Someday my prince will come; only then will I live happily ever after" theme promoted in TV programming, toys, books, and revivals of classical fairy tales, aimed squarely at 4 year old girls.

Relax, friends; all that humility and overblown feminine vanity will dissipate in short order. I’ve just watched such a natural metamorphosis of my granddaughter and her friends in barely 4 years.

This weekend was all about being a mom and a grandmom, of course, topped off with the annual signs of love and appreciation — a dozen yellow roses (my favorite) and a gathering of moms and kids who love jazz, Chinese-American food, chicken fingers, ice cream, and cake. But it was also about celebrating the growth and development of our only granddaughter.

Eight years ago, my daughter’s and my best Mothers’ Day gift had been her baby girl’s arrival. In the middle of a line-up of beloved grandsons, there was a sudden interlude of pinkness and sugar and spice; a pause from pirates, trucks, tools, and action figures. So, although it was not my style, I was nonplussed by her 4th birthday celebration — a fancy tea party, where each girl donned the garments and crowns of a beautiful princess before politely munching on crustless jelly sandwiches, sipping make-believe tea poured from charming pots into delicate little cups, and then enjoying some sweets.

At that event, the girls' behavior matched their costumes. They were demure and regal. Not a voice was raised; in fact, some girls' mothers whispered to each other, 'Look how beautiful they feel!"

Our granddaughter’s 8th birthday party, held this weekend, was in startling contrast to that regal tea. The plan was the birthday girl’s own — an afternoon of bowling at a local alley, topped off with pizza and birthday cake. With images of the princess regalia still dancing in my head, I marveled at the power of the developmental process. Many of the same girls, this time outfitted in jeans, shorts, and rented bowling shoes that no prince would ever find at the end of a ball, were high-fiving, pumping fists after a remarkable score, shouting in a self-congratulatory way.

Many of these were friends from swim team or traveling soccer. The erstwhile princesses had found joy in becoming age-appropriate jocks. Moral of the story: I’d advise putting aside the anti-princess outrage. No picket signs or outraged letters to the editors needed. Just allow for the tincture of time.

May 13, 2008

Humpty Who?

Humpty Who? A Book I Earnestly Recommend to You

I recently discovered Humpty Who?, a wonderful gem of a book for the parents of babies and young children, especially first-time parents. I envision the prototypical reader as uncharacteristically uncertain in her (okay, it could be “his”) new role. The author, Jennifer Griffin, describes herself similarly at a loss about what to do when the visitors all left, her husband returned to work, and there she was alone with this occasionally cranky baby. She tried feeding, changing, offering a binkie, rocking, and finally singing to her new son. But all she could think of to sing were themes from TV sitcoms and Christmas songs (in the springtime). She discovered she knew just a few fragments of nursery rhymes.

As a confident and competent person, she got over her chagrin by discovering she was not alone. Her remedy was to do the research for, and write, this lovely book presenting her 80 favorite classic nursery rhymes. They are accompanied by some -- not too many -- engaging suggestions and facts about the origins of of the rhymes.

Ms. Griffin underestimates her intuitive gift for relating to young children. On her own she recognizes that “almost anything is okay to sing to a child, as long as it’s catchy,” adding “I hope that my thoughts on emoting free you to be goofy, because babies love broad humor and most of all they love you -- no matter how silly or off-key you are.” I will support her promise that “if you master even a quarter of the classics here, I guarantee years’ worth of coos and giggles and snuggles and repetitions of that magic word that proves you really have done your job well: 'AGAIN!'”

The same delightful tone encourages new parents to relax with a wonderful collection of rhymes, some with known roots; others anonymous, old, or new; and there is also an accompanying CD to get you started and comfortable performing for your tiny audience member. The first chapter after the introduction has a title that makes it clear just how much fun you can have with this book: “If You’re Clueless and You Know It, Clap Your Hands.”

Even I, who thought I was pretty well versed in the genre, having grown up during an era when most adults around me were effortlessly nursery rhyme-literate, learned a lot from this fun book. I might even suggest that you make it a standard new mother’s gift, along with 5 or 6 classic picture books. How much more practical and fun would that be than the standard pink or blue outfit?

I can’t wait to visit our 13-month-old grandson to try out what I have learned. I must not be overeager and keep in mind his current priority is not sitting still, but navigating the furniture in an all-consuming eagerness to let go and walk. I’ll practice the patience that I preach by remembering he adores being read and sung to. Would you believe his first word was “book” (pronounced “OOOK”)?

May 6, 2008