Hovering is Out

Parental hovering is out; and so is micromanaging… Really? That’s news to me!

I don’t agree with Lisa Belkin, Parenting writer for the New York Times, who reports that where parenting is concerned, the times they are a’changin. Actually, she’s a little more cautious than that—saying they “may be changing”. As evidence, she cites, for example, the publication of a book, “The Idle Parent: Why Less Means More When Raising Kids”, wrapped in a cover illustration of “Mum and Dad lounging with martinis while their well-trained toddler sits on the floor mixing up the next batch”. Belkin interprets the scene as advice to parents to “just chill”.

Then there is the economic factor. Parents don’t have as much money as they once did to support violin lessons, tutors in both test taking and subject matter, little league in a fall, winter, and spring sport and private coaching, as well as specialty camps…

Ms. Belkin attributes the change to not only the slipping economy, but also a new tempo, or what Carl Honore calls “slow parenting”. No need to rush from the French tutor to the baseball lesson and math tutor…

Since none of us has any hard data about these trends, but rather just impressions, I need not apologize for my impression to the contrary. I’m sure there are some parents who simply must cut back on the cost of all this polishing of kids and their medals. But I don’t see any slowdown of the intense hovering on the part of many parents. I can even go out on a shaky limb and suggest that there is usually one child, often the first born, in each family who is hovered over the most. There is an immoveable conviction on the part of the parents that this child will fall by the wayside unless he practices, studies, engages with tutors and coaches, and never never “wastes time” with non-academic or impromptu neighborhood sports. Any number of regrettable consequences are possible. This child does not own the responsibility for his own performance since his mother is his eternal gatekeeper. He need not work hard because a tutor is coming later to put the material at his finger tips before the test. He also begins to believe the myth of his own innate inadequacies which free him of the responsibility to work hard. But maybe, just maybe if “authorities” like Lisa Belkin continue to tell us that such a state of affairs is now OLD, at last we can relax a bit and allow our kids to do the same.