How do you know what to do with the middle so you get the happily ever after?

We're standing on the hillside watching the children play when Sean says to me, "Have you thought of running for the board?  You'd be good on the board."

I stutter out something nonchalant but inside I feel a swelling of pride.

He thinks I'd be good on the board. And, you know? I WOULD be good on the board. I'm smart. I'm strategic. I have good ideas.

It was just a small off-hand remark about the school board which, let's face it, isn't all that big of a deal. I'm sure Sean didn't give it a second thought. Yet somehow this small remark had a ridiculously positive impact on my mood.

Here's the thing. I thrive on positive reinforcement. I love a good compliment. I don't do things to have them done, I do them to be noticed. Which is why I did so well in Corporate America. It's also why the whole stay-at-home mom gig is slowly killing me.

The problem with being a stay-at-home parent is that you get no feedback. No reinforcement. No compliments. No "Well done, you!" or "Exceeds Expectations" or "Best year yet!" No raises or promotions or bonuses.  You just get the day in, day out drudgery of doing your job, unnoticed by those you love the most.

Or if they do notice it's because you didn't do something and now they have to wear the same pair of underwear two days in a row. Never mind that you re-organized the pantry top-to-bottom, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, paid the bills, and cooked up a kickin' lasagna.  It's the fact that you didn't do the laundry that everybody want to talk about.

It makes me need to screeeeeeeeeeeeeam.

Lately I find myself hunched over my laptop, eyes bleary and focused on nothing.

 

I should do the laundry, says that pesky voice inside my head. But then the other voice; the one that's getting louder and louder; says, Why bother? No one will notice. And if you do it, it'll just need to be done all over again. The minutes tick by and I accomplish very little. But when everyone comes home, it's just the same. There's no dinner, so we go out. The house is messy, but no one seems to mind. It's as if all the things I do every single day are completely pointless. As if I could vanish and it wouldn't matter at all.

Then DING! my email alert jolts me out of my self pity. My eyes light up as I click the mouse to open this tiny highlight to my day.  

It's an email about a small consulting job but then... buried at the end... is a sentence that makes my heart palpitate and my knees grow weak. 

"In another note, there'll be a director of research job opening up here that you'd be perfect for. I don't know if you're interested in looking at full-time positions, but if you are I can definitely put you in touch with a few people here."

Before I know it I've spent an hour updating my resume. I quickly close it as Jay walks in but not before he sees.

"Updating your resume?" he asks. I tell him about the email and he says, "Well I certainly wouldn't mind going back to being a two income family."

And just like that I'm transported. 

I'm back in an office sitting tall and confident with a team of people who listen to me and respect me. I make decisions and accomplish things. I wear nice clothes and get regular manicures and have a clean house because I'm paying someone to clean it. And when I do something right, it gets noticed.

I've been there before and the truth is, it fit.

I love working. I'm cut out for it. 

Should I go back?  Would we be happy? Or would it be a colossal mistake?  

What about CJ? How would it work? How does our family make sense with Jay and I both pursuing full-time careers?  Who would pack CJ's breakfast, take him to school, be there with him in the afternoon and stay home with him when he's sick?

What would I tell him... about why I'm going back?

It's as if I can see two parallel futures; one where I take this job and pursue my career and grow distant from my family and CJ is unhappy and so am I.  But right there beside it is an image of myself older,still at home but purposeless, bitter.

I wish I could stop time and race ahead to look around and see how things play out.  Then run back to the present and make a different decision, then ZOOM back to the future to see what happens. It would be so much easier to make the right decisions in life if you could just see how they turn out.

I'm haunted by the fleetingness of now; by the knowledge that I don't get a do-over and the time I have with CJ will be over in a blink.

I already chose to step out of my career. So why am I second-guessing it now?

Is it just me? Do you ever wonder if you're doing the right thing? Second-guess your choices? Wish for something different?

**

Jen lives in Seattle with her son CJ, her husband Jay, and their dog Bella.  Read more of their wacky adventures at Absolutely Bananas.

Comments

[Katrina @ Callapidder Days]

I'm right there with you on the positive reinforcement thing. I feel compelled to point out completed cleaning and decluttering projects to my husband, specifically so he can then compliment me. :)

And do you remember those Choose Your Own Adventure Books? "If you choose to help the little boy, turn to page 42. If you pass on by, turn to page 16." I always looked ahead at both options so I could better decide which choice would be best. Too bad life doesn't work like that, huh?

Though I'm not contemplating a career change, I can absolutely relate to that angst of knowing how quickly this time will go and worrying I'm not using it to the fullest, doing the best I can for my family.

[cathymccaughan]

The magic of your decision is that whatever you do, it will be what is right for your family at that moment in time. The situation can always change, but so can your choices.

I completely relate to the family noticing that the socks aren't sorted instead of recognizing the 6 beds with fresh, clean sheets and blankets.

[onlymom]

this has been one of my greatest quandries for sure! my two-cents is that if you wake up most days feelings like you're making a great personal sacrifice for the sake of your kid, then maybe you should consider returning to full-time work that you love and that fulfills you. Would your husband consider staying home?

[BevS97]

Is there a third option? Can you take a part-time job which is challenging and fullfilling whilst still giving you some time at home?

I've done all three, in fact my work/life balance changes on a fairly regular basis depending on what seems to be working or not at any given moment in time. But personally, i need to work, but I also need to be home after school at least a couple of nights a week.

[Xie]

Great post. I know exactly what you mean about being torn between the rewards of work and the rewards of home. I'm only 3 months into be a stay-at-home mom, but I can just see myself being where you are at some point in the future. After one lifetime of school and building a career, and being successful and satisfied with it all, it's strange to be in a time-unbounded hiatus from it all, in the bizarre land of feeding and diapers and trying to get a nap out of baby and back to the beginning.

I'll be really curious to hear what you decide to do. If you do go back to work, I hope you keep posting on your blog!

[geekymummy]

It sounds like you are ready to go back. For us the key to a two career family is that both of you put as much effort into parenting. Your husbands sounds supportive. If he is willing to put his time and energy where his mouth is you can make it work. Packing lunches, staying home when sick, going to events at school etc, you figure it out together. If your husband accepts that his life will change drastically if you work, then you are golden.

Cleaning house, laundry etc, you pay someone to do it for you. What do you tell your son? That you are going to work to do whatever it is that you do (I make medicines for sick people, daddy makes computers). Bring him to your office, have him meet co workers, my daughter loves to see where I work. he'll get it. His routine will change, but as long as it is still a consistent, predictable one, he will thrive.

Personally I'm a better parent for also being in the workplace, for all the reasons you describe, the rewards, the respect, the maintenance of my own identidy.

It is hard work, it is busy, but somehow the buzz we get from work gives us more energy to play with the kids and be creative with them. Productivity creates more productivity.

I've seen so many people wait too long to return and find it impossible to get the positions they deserve. Go for it!

[Emily]

Two things I try to remember so that i can keep my sanity (well, cling to it at least):

* the grass is always greener on the other side - no matter which path I choose to take, the other will always beckon. BUT, is what I'm missing that seems to be on the "other side" worth what else is over there too? (or make sure you're being realistic, dammit!)

* nothing is permanent - if I decide to do something, I remind myself that I can always choose to change it down the road. Ok, maybe not the having kids part - but almost everything else. if you choose to go back to work and hate it, you can quit again. Sometimes it's worth the risk of trying something because even if it doesn't work, you KNOW now and you don't have to spend the rest of your life wondering.

Just my two cents!